Flawless(ish) Over 50

Life in my 50s has been the start of a transitional stage for me. In my early 40s, the focus was on my two boys, their schooling, sports, and activities. In my late 40s my boys were in high school, and I was very focused on them doing well, making good choices and setting them up for success to fulfill their future dreams. The funny thing is that many women, like myself, put their own dreams on hold so that they can help their children achieve their own. I’m not regretting it one bit and my boys have always been my top priority, but we tend to lose ourselves a bit along the way.

                  After I turned 50, it hit me that soon my role in life and my future would never be the same again and panic started to show itself. What was I going to do with my life? Who was I? What would my future look like? Then, the “what ifs” started. What if I hardly ever see them anymore? What if they move far away? What if they didn’t end up truly happy and fulfilled? You get the idea and I’m not going to stress you out with them all. The truth is, I focused so much on the path of their own lives for so many years that my own path sort of followed theirs and I realized that one day I would reach the inevitable dead end where they wouldn’t depend on me so much and I would have to fork off my own path down the road. It’s funny because I was doing my best the whole time to raise young men who were independent and yet their independence was making me proud and sad all at the same time.

                  I had to take a good look at myself in the mirror, unfortunately that mirror looked unfocused too. I used to look like the young ladies that my boys now bring home, now I don’t know how who this woman is and how this even happened. I used to enjoy working out and feeling fit, doing my nails, and shopping for myself. I lost time for self-care and focusing on me. I resented my husband who always made time to work out while I took care of the kids. He never felt guilty or asked permission, it was known that after work he would meet his friends to work out. After work, I would go home to get the kids off the bus, make dinner, help with homework and do housework. I never made myself a priority.

                  Self-care should be a priority at every stage of life. It is a way to stay grounded, focused and not lose your shit. Looking back, it should not have been so difficult for me to tell my husband that I needed a self-care hour, even if it’s only once a week. Self-care can be a workout, dinner with friends, a bubble bath, or whatever you crave. I felt guilty and when you are always the one doing it all, everyone just expects it and they don’t do the things that they could help with because you seem to have it all under control. Ladies do NOT do this. Learn to say, “I need help”, “I need you to do this”, or simply “I need a break”. This is not a sign of weakness; it is teaching respect and appreciation for your being and not being resentful and just completely overwhelmed.

                  In my 50s, I’ve done a lot of soul searching and remembering what I used to love doing and what I want my future to look like without being dependent on others for my happiness or fulfillment. I am in no means getting rid of my wonderful husband and grown kids. I just started doing things that I used to wish for. I joined a running club, I built my own website for an online business, joined more social media platforms to connect and discover and learned how to create videos and even go live. It was scary putting myself out there. I am not the put together, model look-a-like beauty queen with the perfect life and confidence oozing from her skin, but at 50 I thought, who cares. If I try and fail, oh well, no one really knows me anyway. The beauty after 50 is that you start ignoring the negativeness and realize that life is short.

                  One of the most important things that I realized through this process was with my friendships. When my kids were young, my friends became their friend’s moms and some of them really clicked with me, but over time when the kids go their separate ways, sometimes the friendships you have also fade.  I realized that I didn’t want to be sitting by the phone as I grow old waiting for my adult children to call me. I started to put myself out there and tried to regroup old friendships, some didn’t work out, but some did. I reconnected with my old high school group, and we all made a pact to get together regularly. Also, another group of friends that didn’t work out did end positively with one friend contacting me and telling me she felt the same and wanted to continue our relationship. We all will find our people, even though it is much more difficult at this age. I suggest keeping in touch with at least one friend who will stick around and have your back and make time for you.

                  Reflecting on life at this stage is bittersweet. You reminisce of your life as a younger woman and reevaluate what and how you did everything. You also see that your life from raising children leaves a sense of freedom to reinvent yourself into the next chapter. Life is messy at any age and it won’t all be perfection, but I do believe we need to embrace it all. We need to try new experiences and figure out what the future holds. Reconnect with our spouses, friends and learn how to navigate becoming friends with our adult children (at least that’s how I’d like to be). We are all here trying our best. We need to remember to give ourselves and each other grace and help each other along the way through the good, the bad, and the ugly.